Toxic People – How to deal with them… It’s not what you think!

The definition of toxic

Behavioural psychology says that toxic people are those who attempt to manipulate and control others. They may blame others for their harmful behaviour. Summarised further as self-centred, negative, lacking empathy, draining, unable to take responsibility and consistently harmful to others. It’s easy to understand why truly toxic people contribute to the erosion of relationships. It’s a serious definition, with serious consequences.

Read that list again. Can you tell me with full conviction that you have gone through life, without ever falling into any of the above behaviours? Didn’t think so! Labelling others as “toxic” has become common to say the least. It’s a buzz word. But have you ever considered what it says about you, to openly call other people toxic?

What Calling People Toxic Says About You

When I was asked by one of my instagram followers to write about toxic people, I researched. Googling toxic people exposes a reality – Calling other people toxic is less about them and more about you.

What does the Qur’an tell us in regards to dealing with toxic people?

وَمَآ أَرْسَلْنَا قَبْلَكَ مِنَ ٱلْمُرْسَلِينَ إِلَّآ إِنَّهُمْ لَيَأْكُلُونَ ٱلطَّعَامَ وَيَمْشُونَ فِى ٱلْأَسْوَاقِ ۗ وَجَعَلْنَا بَعْضَكُمْ لِبَعْضٍۢ فِتْنَةً أَتَصْبِرُونَ ۗ وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ بَصِيرًۭا ٢٠

“And We did not send before you, [O Muhammad], any of the messengers except that they ate food and walked in the markets. And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing.” Qur’an – Surah Furqan:20

Although not using the term toxic explicitly, the Qur’an clearly draws attention to this issue in the Ayah above. As our awareness of mental health increases, it’s important not to loose sight of the spiritual reality behind the events unfolding before us. Google will advise you to build boundaries, or even cut the toxic person off. There is a difference between taking a kind step back and building a barrier as high as the one Dhul-Qarnayn built to restrain Gog and Magog!

Protecting yourself from toxic people

We are wired for protection over connection. Allowing our protective instinct to run wild can kill valuable connection and cause loneliness. Tread carefully. Set loving boundaries. Not just with people you consider to be toxic, but with yourself too. What if the toxicity you perceive, is actually your own inability to bear others with patience? Are you attempting to avoid taking responsibility? Your temptation to label others as toxic, could be an attempt to avoid facing your emotions.

Terms that get overused loose their true meaning. Acknowledge the common denominator, when a person claims that everyone else is toxic. Building your protective boundaries so high, could mean that you end up as the only person on your side. Not everyone who says or does something you dislike is toxic. It’s ok to say “I don’t like what he/she did”. It’s ok to realise something in them made you feel uncomfortable. But avoid using the label of toxic, unless there is something severely wrong. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Should You Cancel Toxic People?

We live in a time of cancel culture. This doesn’t just exist online, but in circles of friends and family too. Because a person made us feel uncomfortable and didn’t meet our inner demands of perfection, we cancel them. We cut them off. What if operating from such harsh and extreme binaries is preventing an opportunity of inner growth? Navigating the difficulties of relationships instead of cutting people off, helps to develop resilience and grit to make us stronger and wiser. Labelling people as toxic and cutting them off says a lot more about your character of dealing with them, than it does their character.

“Overlook the slips of respected people.” – Imam al-Ghazali [Ihya]

“A believer is a mirror of the believer.” – Ibn Ajiba [Abu Dawud, from Abu Hurayra] 

“If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” – Hamdun al-Qassar [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman]

Preserving Relationships

In Pride and Prejudice when Charlotte marries Mr Collins, it would have been easy for Lizzie to call her toxic and cut her off as a friend. It would feel like the natural thing to do, given that she could turn the family out of their estate in future, making them homeless. Yet she processed her emotions and preserved the friendship. Thought this, she found her opening of discovering more about the man she would eventually marry, Mr Darcy.

Learn to make excuses for others and think of the role you may have played in a behaviour that felt so uncomfortable as to call it toxic. In the past people knew that people had their quirks, because people aren’t perfect. We just learnt to navigate them and relationships lasted longer. If a person’s behaviour is truly harmful, confronting them and cutting them off won’t make them change anyway. Instead, healthy boundaries can protect from harm.

7 Questions To Reflect On “Toxic” People

Use these seven key questions to help you reflect or journal, next time you feel a person is being toxic:

1. How did I feel during the interaction?
2. What bothered me the most?
3. What did I do well, that I should repeat next time?
4. What could I do better next time, to protect my inner peace?
5. Did I set boundaries?
6. How can I better care for myself to release lingering negative emotions?
7. What does this teach me about my needs, values and limits?

The above questions aren’t to blame you for the behaviour of others. Often, we aren’t to blame. Reflecting consciously helps you to build resilience and maintain relationships. People are not perfect, nor are they disposable. So when you see a crown slip, help to fix it! Grace looks good on you.

Some relationships need to grow with you, they need to transition. Some we outgrow. Slow down, take your time figuring it out. Instead of focusing on others, focus on yourself and be your own best friend first. Reflect into the mirror. If something really is off, seek a therapist for support.

Don’t forget to share your comments below, even if you disagree – I won’t call you toxic, I promise!

Islamic reference source – Seekers Guidance